The Blue God and Red Goddess

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This blog has many posts about a significant part of my research and experience with the Kundalini energy.  I encourage you to read former posts  to understand this personal fairy tale/metaphor I wrote in January of 2016. It has taken me about 13 years to fully integrate the kundalini experiences of my mid-life.  2003 to present.

The Blue God and Red Goddess (all rights reserved)

red_blue_abstract_texture_by_akaleez88

The Blue God and the Red Goddess

Once upon a time there was a sad and angry princess who watched Herself standing on a bridge far, far away, across a wide and very deep sea. She kept trying to get to Herself by walking across the water, but she would end of sinking into the waves, choke and sputter for breath. She managed to pull herself back to land, heave with exhaustion, and then try the same thing again.

Over and over again.

As she got older she developed boats to try to her get across that sea: Something she had read and learned, a talisman she had crafted, advice received from others, or carrying long-cherished beliefs like prized jewels. But each time she stepped out onto the water she would sink, choke and sputter for breath.

She learned to swim, but never had the strength to span the vast distance over the wide and very deep sea to get to Her Self. There were things under the surface of the water that dragged her underneath the choppy waves, but she fought those snaggly-toothed beasts and managed to get back to the safety of the land from where she came.

Over and over again.

When she was in the middle years of her middle age, a Red Goddess and a Blue God visited her. They slowly came to her through a secret door and began to shine light into her sad and angry places. Their Son, a steadfast friend of the princess, encouraged her to let them in.

They applied soft ointments and healing balms and the fire of alchemy into these wounded places, whispering to her words of love and forgiveness, feeding her manna to begin a new journey, a new life in her aging body. The Son held her hand and whispered “Courage.”

They promised to help get to her to Her Self on the other shore, but she would have to unlearn almost everything she thought she knew and that she had paid money to learn. She would have to give up her calcified ways of being and disappear for as long as it took for the new ways to grow inside of her.”

She was to allow herself to sink to the bottom of the ocean’s depths, grow gills for breathing, learn to swim with sharks, and shoot out dark, milky ink to hide herself from the preditors of fear, anger, jealousy and hate. She was to stop taking on others’ pain as her own and learn to use her magic gifts to first heal herself.

The Blue God and Red Goddess made a home within the princess’ body. The Goddess flew from her tailbone up her spine and the God danced down from her head and they met in a secret room behind her heart.

First the Blue God and Red Goddess expertly stitched her broken heart together. Then they lay down a richly woven carpet and entwined together in her heart space.

At first she did not understand that by their ecstatic coupling in the growing room behind her heart, she was being moved across the water towards Her Self on the other shore.

It was not easy. Wise teachers appeared to make sure she had new scaffolding in place before she got rid of her rusted, crumbling infrastructure. Teachers were not only the Son of the Blue God and Red Goddess, but people who came into her life and her own Intuited Wisdom. Her Own Wisdom came in the form of pictures, a calmer and stronger body, and “heard” messages from inside her head.

It took many, many years before she reunited with Her Self, and that is when she knew she had reached the opposite shore.

She faced toward the direction from where she had come and watched the land disappear under dark foam. Turning towards a new direction, she saw another Her Self waving at her from yet another shore.

But this time, she knew the Blue God and Red Goddess would carry her across the very wide and very deep sea. And now she could also walk on water and swim with the sharks.

Over and over again.

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Walking on water at sunset

Kundalini, Spiritual Awakening and Reality

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Here’s a blog post that gives a wonderful overview and guidance, and everything he says I have found to be true in my experiences.

http://www.spiritualawakeningprocess.com/2015/06/lost-in-spiritual-bliss-reclaiming-your.html

Courage, joy and peace as you journey!

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Kundalini Enema

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There is a perception that the rising of kundalini is going to result in a blissful, ecstatic, utopian sex dream, and while there is much about Her (Kundalini) that does induce those states, there is also the purification process, which is real, inexorable and ongoing.

Bears repeating: The purification process is real, inexorable and ongoing.

This is the point where many people excuse themselves from the unfolding process and become spiritual addicts, trying to get the blissful and intense High over and over at all costs. I know I did, but at the same time I knew intuitively that what I was experiencing was not solely about one person. (It wasn’t until many years later that I figured out that I had experienced a Kundalini Awakening of epic erotic proportions.) It is easier to addictively chase the High, the Person, the Quest, than to face the things that need fixing and transformation within yourself. Believe me, I understand.

The movement of Consciousness–Kundalini’s journey through our nervous systems, wants to reunite our body with our spirit, the holy with the sexy. Emotions, thoughts and beliefs are real things, manifesting as our bodies and our lives. The way to becoming more authentic, creative, vital beings fully alive in our bodies and living with integrity and compassion requires brutal honestly with ourselves and the hard work of changing long-cherished beliefs that no longer serve us.

Fear will loom up within you like a 20-headed Hydra.

Wading through your own Poo, and perhaps generations of Poo, is not for sissies. You might feel immense resistance to doing this. Few are able to expose themselves to being vulnerable enough to change beliefs about themselves and what they’ve been taught. At some point, you will have to let go of all the carefully crafted ego defenses you have built over a lifetime and I know how crazy-difficult that is to do.

This is where guidance with a master teacher or trusted mentor becomes important. They can help you rebuild your structure of beliefs without crashing the whole building. Block by block has to be taken out, reshaped, and put back into place.

The ego losing face provides an opening for the Self or Soul to emerge. It is an ongoing process.

And when you are able to let your Soul emerge, what does that feel like? For me, it feels like taking a terribly tight bra or Spanx taken off at the end of a long day and submerging in the gorgeous bubble bath of a candle-lit tub….

…and then dancing with the kindest, hottest, most awesome (man) you have ever met in your life to be followed by mind-blowing sex without ever touching…

…followed by a nourishing, sumptuous banquet of amazing food that leaves my stomach feeling peaceful and happy…

…followed by a still, quiet mind.

you get it. And all these images are myself meeting MYSELF. It took years and years to understand that it wasn’t about one person. It was ME meeting God(dess) within Me.

What Self will you find after doing the hard work of cleaning out?

Long, Slim Pipe

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After the physical rampages that had my body on Kundalini fire from 2003-2007 began to fade, I continued to search for meaning in what I had experienced. I wanted to integrate what I had learned into every day life, rather than reverting to disconnected fantasy to try to stay in that same amazing experience.

One of those lessons was to open more fully into Intuition and then have that manifest in an outpouring of poetry and other writing. I was no stranger to patiently and systematically learning the craft of an art form, but my intuition had been blocked for a very long time.

There are many musical instruments around our house. Recently a soprano recorder, sitting in a basket in our living room, caught my eye. In that split second I heard the words “long slim pipe…” The words had sexual overtones–keep in mind this was all in a fraction of a second and I could have missed it if I had not been training myself to listen to these kinds of whisperings and fleeting thoughts. I actually looked at the recorder with a sort of curious WTF? and almost ignored that voice. I had even meditated to open to my Writing Guides just moments before! Then I remembered Sera Beack’s words that “She” often arrives in ways that we cannot control. Have I learned nothing from that Kundalini Holy Spirit Fire? I caught myself and sat down to pen Long Slim Pipe.

Long slim pipe, brown and reedy
Salmon sausage, moist fennel-ed,
These I bring to my lips, slick and full with swamp mud and liquid smoke.

Bring me your pulp, your secret Santa center,
Your pulse an offering and benediction.

I do not need the columns of figures you add on your tablet
Or your inert figure splayed on the couch,
I do not need pearls draped around my neck or the diamond glittering on my finger.

Bring me a black-green zucchini with hardened tip,
Or the drum-like membrane beak of the Toucan bird.
There are hidden reminders of your glorious sheen everywhere!

I languidly peel open to the One that flows through my own veins
Meandering in moments,
Thundering in others,
Feeding and nourishing one moment and
Demanding and consuming the next.

It is You.

Copyright 2015, CFN/ Please acknowledge this blog. I am not selling anything, only devoted to my relationship with myself and God, healing the duality of the body/mind and male/female.

Relished…

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Spontaneous writing of erotic love poetry can be a spiritual outpouring of Kundalini awakening. I’ve read from others that they have had similar experiences. For me, all mystical poetry seems to have this theme and sheen.

Like the Biblical “Song of Solomon,” are these poems about a person?

Or are they an outpouring of experiencing the Beloved within the Self,
the union of holy and sexy, male and female as One?

Still LifewithOnions Gauguin

Still Life with Onion…Paul Gauguin

You have made me into

a champagne-roasted, fragrant onion;

 peeling layers

softened by surrender…

Christianity and Kundalini

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“Sublimation,” Simon Andrews, oil on canvas

The more I read and study, ponder and write about my experiences of Kundalini over the past ten years, the more I realize that the release of this energy is not necessarily “one awakening” that occurs in a bolt of lightening, but a process of biological and electrical shifts that occur over one’s whole lifetime. You don’t have to be actively seeking the experience in order to experience it.

But one thing is for sure–

Kundalini episodes are meant to bring an increase in our Flow of Consciousness. If you stay stuck in the experience, or your goal is to experience “super-anything”, you are completely missing the point, and that is why the knowledge has been kept hidden for so long. The original intent was to make sure that as we come into the power of our authentic Selves, we channel it for the good of others rather than in power and lust moves.

I am convinced that the severity of health issues in my 40’s and uber-intensity of supra-sex experiences in my 50’s was in direct proportion to the amount of ego-identifications and false beliefs I needed to release and rewire.

And I was a good person living a decent life. Or so I thought.

For many, what we are uprooting is what we have all “inherited” from living in a patriarchal culture for thousands of years– the truth of what “female” means. The False gods reveal themselves in the split between body and mind…and sex and spirituality.

Kundalini Awakening can so disturb the false gods built within you that your grounding shifts in what feels like a cataclysmic earthquake.

You feel like you are going crazy and sometimes the sexual intensity can also cause manic obsessions. You very well may have fallen in love with someone else–this is based on the chemical changes going on within you, but before you jump in, take Time. It may truly be about that person, but it is equally likely it is about falling in love with yourself.

Jesus Meditating

I grew up in the Presbyterian church, the daughter of a full-time church choir master/organist and a professional singer/voice teacher. My parents were liberal in their views and visionary in their thinking, so I escaped the narrow lens that often passes for Christianity and would have thrown out the church totally by now if not for my deep connection to Jesus.

Growing up I regularly experienced oneness with others and Transcendence through the physical and mental disciplines of making music and developing artistry, as well as through the religious teachings of my church. From an early age I was deep breathing through playing the flute, oboe, bassoon and singing. I received regular nourishing food and outdoor play and exercise in the Pennsylvania mountains. Riding my bike and walking everywhere and playing with good friends were the norm. In addition to making music and participating in the life of the church, my family regularly did outdoor activities together like gardening, hiking in the mountains or stream hikes. I was not a star athlete but enjoyed sports in moderation–basketball, tag football, tennis, running.

I see now that I received as close to the traditional physical and spiritual yogic teaching tradition as an American growing up middle class in the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s could get. I think this is why I can equate the term “Holy Spirit” with the yogic tradition which calls Her “Kundalini.”

“Discipline” seems to be a dirty word to many people who have never experienced its fruits. But the purpose of a religious and physical routine is to give you strength and hope and a Center, and keep you from flaying out in all directions.

I think a better word for “discipline” is “Devotion.” Many spontaneous or premature Kundalini episodes are happening with more frequency with people who have not developed a personal spiritual discipline or devotion.

I don’t drink due to a gene mutation that causes poor methylation (ability to absorb alcohol) and do like sex with a committed other, and have been married to the same man for 36 years. In retrospect, I believe this way of life was not due to any moral or strict outer code, but what I needed to feel safe and heal on multiple levels, most of which I was barely aware of while younger.

By my late 20’s, I was practicing yoga and meditation in a weekly class, and continued my spiritual quest through reading about world religions and mythologies. Journaling was a habit from middle school as I tried to listen to my inner voice. For the next 25 years I participated in several churches to find a church home, but never felt truly connected to anyone except for developing a relationship with one extraordinary minister.

By the time I began experiencing severe Kundalini awakenings in mid-life I drew upon my relationship with Jesus and my intuitive abilities for wisdom and strength. I did not know at the time what was happening. I began working with body/health workers who gave me a sense of self as I reconstructed to my very foundations.

But my point for all this, is that I never would have had the ability to move through the roaring energy through my body from about ages 32-49 if I had not been open to Wisdom from other dimensions and the understanding of the Self that I had developed over a lifetime. That grounding was in Christianity and the Wisdom of the Holy Spirit, which can not be contained in words or dogma but in “gnosis,” the Knowing Within.

I believe that the “Knowing Within” comes, paradoxically, from physical and spiritual discipline as well as a willingness to surrender and let go of what you know.

This is the area where Consciousness blooms and you are enabled to carry it out into the world as with your own best interests at the same time.

Thyroid and Kundalini, Part II

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healthPlease read Thyroid and Kundalini, Part I.

In my late 30’s/early 40’s, I had reached a desperate state of health. My weight had ballooned to 200 pounds, my hair was falling out and I felt angry all the time. A  series of 8 very serious, and in two cases, botched, abdominal surgeries had left me traumatized and weak, although I kept fighting my way back to functioning in order to care for our children, work as a musician and teacher and volunteer in our community.  Marriage to the love of my life was in a horrible state, as we sunk into mutually dysfunctional and infantile behavior with each other.

In 1996 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, severe anxiety disorder and adult ADD and put on a ton of medication.

In 2002, at the suggestion of my voice teacher, I visited an endocrinologist to test thyroid function. When the lab results came back, I was told everything was normal.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT MOST MEDICAL DOCTORS ONLY RELY ON A FAULTY SYSTEM OF READING THYROID PANEL NUMBERS.  I strongly urge you to read this article which gives the details:

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/thyroid-depression-mental-health/

I proceeded to visit 3 other endocrinologists and each one told me the same thing: I was fine according to the numbers. Not one of the medical doctors looked at the person in front of them to see that, clearly, I was not fine.

I got myself admitted to a National Institutes of Health study in Washington, DC on thyroid function and depression in women over the age of 40. Immediately, NIH doctors found a goiter that ran the width of the thyroid, with 4 protruding nodules.  I had large needle biopsies inserted directly into my neck, and all the results came back benign.  And my thyroid function continued to test “low-normal.”  I was treated to a whole bunch of other tests for free, but nothing came back that was helpful.

In 2003, I had a massive, emergency hysterectomy and 6 short weeks later my dad died suddenly.  The toll on my system was catastrophic.  In 2004, disgusted with the medical and psychological communities and ‘knowing in my heart’ that my health issues were thyroid related, I began working with an alternative health care clinic where they followed through with much of what the above article recommends, and within a year my life had turned around: I lost 45 pounds and the thyroid goiter shrunk to one small nodule. My hair grew back and I was able to stop taking all medications except for very tiny doses of Lexapro and estrodial. My energy increased and spirit lifted. I looked and felt like myself again.

For years I had been asking my husband to join me in marriage counseling and he repeatedly refused. After thyroid was functioning I had the courage to draw the line: We started counseling or I was leaving. He chose the counseling, stepped up to the plate and we began repairing our relationship. Love and respect bloomed back between us.

He and I had invested massive amounts of money in both ventures.  It took us years to pay off the clinic, but I had my life back. And as a result, he was happier and healthier.

Kundalini was triggered during 2004. There is some speculation that sluggish thyroid can be kicked into better function during Kundalini episodes, and knowing what I know now, ten years later, I suspect there is some truth to this.

The increased thyroid and adrenal health were instrumental in creating a body that could withstand and begin to integrate the Kundalini coursing through my system.    Anything that builds the health of your central nervous system and endocrine systems is crucial for grounding, which you will need in spades when and if this energy spikes.

Thyroid and Kundalini, Part I

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The way that we have built our bodies in the West, with dough bodies of starch, sugar and stimulants means that we do not have the mineral base, energy reserves, protein strength and cellular integrity to withstand intense kundalini….
–The Biology of Kundalini, by Jana Dixon

This series of two posts on Thyroid and Kundalini is certainly not very “sexy.” But the information is very important for navigating a kundalini episode, which can last months or even years.

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Many alternative and medical doctors are currently seeing odd behavior from the pituitary glands of patients, and are relating dysfunction to the consumption of genetically altered foods as well as the presence of other toxins in our bodies. The pituitary gland produces prolactin which acts on the breasts to induce milk production in women after childbirth. The gland also secretes hormones that act on the adrenal glands, thyroid gland, ovaries and testes, which in turn produce other hormones.

There is limited published information on this topic because special interest groups are “going after” these doctors to discredit them. (My current doctor has chosen not to publish his findings because he has already been the victim of slander from the Status Quo in the medical and pharmaceutical communities and he wants to keep helping people. He is an MD as well as an alternative health doctor.) But here are a few articles if you want to read more–


Healthful Foods You Should Never Eat

Longterm Toxicity of a RoundUp Herbicide…

The point is, healthy endocrine function can be a vital grounding force as your world turns upside down during a Kundalini awakening. Jana Dixon, in her ground-breaking book “The Biology of Kundalini,” speculates that during a Kundalini episode, we are at a lifetime peak in pituitary potency, which raises our center of being to higher psychic levels, through which we are introduced to vastly higher visions and tastes of spiritual reality. The endocrine glands, the spleen, liver, stomach-brain and the heart-brain are radically important to the life transformation process.

Dixon writes: We can assume that our bodies are using up huge stores of enzymes, hormones and other sources of energy to literally change our cellular systems. After about a 3-year peak, the pituitary hormones drop and we can fall into a slump, losing our psychic abilities, inner-navigation, motivation, attractiveness and attraction to others, purpose, meaning, drive and zest for life.

This has been my experience in the past ten years. The key to all this, as I have recently discovered, is healthy function of thyroid before, during and after Kundalini episodes. A recent genome test showed that I have several gene mutations that interfere with healthy hormonal function, and that every health trauma I have experienced in my life can be traced directly back to this genetic abnormality.

And it turns out medical doctors are not always the best place to turn to for help.

I want to share my “thyroid” story with you, to stress the urgency and importance of thyroid and adrenal health during Kundalini episodes. Middle-aged women are often the brunt of menopausal jokes, or make fun of themselves, but hormonal health is fundamental to the quality of life. And it is for middle-aged men, too. My husband, an athlete who has beat prostate cancer, has gone through mammoth changes due to hormones, but it is not something men talk about much. When you are both going through these deeply transformational and uprooting changes together, as well as raising teenagers with their own hormonal stews, well, the whole house can become fucking crazy…with the parents trying to keep things “normal” and barely holding it together when, actually, their own life stages are screaming for changes to live a more Authentic life which is often at odds with the security a family craves.

Stay tuned for Thyroid and Kundalini, Part II and another series of posts on Kundalini Awakening symptoms.

And here is an important thought–it is your spiritual awakening that is sustained and changes your life for the better that is important, not the symptoms or the multitude of experiences, both blissful and bonkers.

Serotonine Song

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(Amanda Sage, Limbic Resonance)

I had never heard the term “supra sexuality” before today. Evidently it is all over the web.

When this aspect of Kundalini experience and symptons “hit” me, at age 49, I was sure I was going crazy–nothing within my spiritual tradition had remotely prepared me for this, other than to sternly caution me against it.

I was married (still am, to the same man,) and had two teenage children. While I believe with all my heart that the Arts have the power to transform and heal, I also did not believe that Eros visited midlife women to shake them out of their limitations.

While I had managed to come to the following conclusion on my own, over many years of soul searching, contemplation and much, much more,  it was a relief to see this reflection of my experience printed over at The Biology of Kundalini:

“If you are having a kundalini awakening in association with an ‘initiator’ and think you are in love with this person, you probably are. But it is love at the supra-sex level that is transcendent of normal sex. In supra-sex there is a radical exaggeration of sexual chemistry as a furnace for the alchemy of transformation. I suppose there have been plenty of people throughout history who have actually had relationships in situations where supra-sex has arisen, but a relationship is not necessary for the alchemy to proceed. If transference with a Limbic Attractor has been the trigger the awakening will proceed without any further interaction.

Due to the power of Limbic Attractors and since the hormonal chemistry of kundalini awakening is similar to romantic love, only tenfold, it is very easy to assume one is in love with the teacher, Guru or person that provides the initiation stimulus. In fact this transference cannot be gotten over until the kundalini awakening has abated…for the heart, sex and love sensations will indeed be synonymous with the inner image one has of the initiator and probably wouldn’t have occurred without him or her.

Because it involves the radical amplification and shake up of every ego identification possible, the energy of Kundalini is the raw edge of existence! Metamorphosis, for all its fire and flash, is completely useless if undergone at the expense of genuine human relationships. It is relationship, not enlightenment, that is important, and that Enlightenment involves skillful Relationship.”

I am sure that Wisdom, cultivated throughout my life, helped me to ‘know’ that I needed to channel and contain the sexual fire ranging through my system rather than force a relationship with one person.   Instead, I experienced the amazing power of sublimation to heal many aspects of my life, including general health and my relationship with myself as well as others. It was a journey that took years and involved both opening to my spirit as well as a focused discipline towards Understanding.

You can see in the following poem, how I was struggling with what “surrender” means, and the fine line I walked between what was being awakened and retreating into left-brained thinking in order to keep it contained.

Serotonine Song,
Explain whatever “this” is
with Scientific talk

Dopamine Delight
Search for safety in words to
Explain You away.

Adreneline Ache
Slip sip hormonal cocktail
Ingest You in veins

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The heat of passion–the stuff life is made of!! Isn’t it miraculous? Creative artistic expression, tending the body through health and well-being, serving others, are all RENEWED and TRANSFORMED through the fire of Kundalini. As well as are the containers for Alchemy to work its Magic!